I thought we were friends?!?

I had a full medical today, my first comprehensive ever, and the doctor at the end when poring over the charts, results, x-rays, graphs and doodles had the gall to tell me that I was overweight. I mean, what the hell?!?

Sure, to the layman I may appear overweight, what with my protruding tummy and love handles, but to a professional medic? No way. Surely the gamut of his tests I had to run through and even his machine that goes bing should have detected the sleeping coils of muscle just underneath my dermis.

And then I thought, wait a minute! This bloke's been to university to become a doctor and done lots of courses and tests and exams and I bet he's even done that one course where they learn to tell if people are fat or not by flipping through albums with hundreds of photos of people in them and they have to declare the person in the photo fat or not and every time they guess correctly a sweet grape rolls out of dispenser into a food tray in front of them.

So now I'm thinking that you cannot argue with a thorough education like that which means that I may in fact be fat, or in the thinking man's parlance, a little heavy, and that none of you, my supposed friends never had the decency to run across the room and slap the fork from my hand or just point and scream.

I thought we were friends? I thought we told each other everything? I mean, I confided in you about my deep remorse and horrible shame at the one time when I didn't pay a bill and the gas company cut off the gas. It still upsets me to this day. And you told me all about that time you accidentally killed that hooker in Vegas and when you were burying her next to the highway some kids on bikes stumbled across you and you had to kill them too and then you had bury them next to the hooker and dig more graves for the bikes.

What I mean is that we confide in each other in the little things that matter, so I kept asking myself why didn't you tell me I was 'fat'?

Then it occurred to me. By following my own awesome powers of reasoning I can also say that since none of you have been through the same arduous fat/not fat education as my doctor you had no idea, and that I was left with no option but to let you of the hook.

You lucky bastards.