They Want Your Brain-Meats

Way back on the 25^th of October 2001, I attended Microsoft's massive Windows XP launch and hoopla at the Sydney Olympic Park along with hundreds of fellow journalists, Microsoft business partners and others.

We had prime seating for the event (being media) and I have to say that it was the first massive launch of its kind I had seen by Microsoft. Morrisey (not that one, the other one) had some models parade his latest fashions, some reality TV contest winning band of ladies plied their easily forgettable music, and Rove McManus, Australian TV's latest fad, was the MC for the event.

All in all it was baffling from an IT perspective, but it was clear that this portion was about the spectacle and less about Windows XP.

After the singing and dancing was all done, all the journalists were ushered to special room for a quick media briefing. The actual presentation was over and done with in minutes, as everyone assembled had been using XP from Alpha to Beta builds all the way through to RC1 and we already had our full copies a few days earlier.

So the presentation was more re-iterating Microsoft's satisfaction with the launch, the new-found stability of the OS, and as one PowerPoint claimed:

17% Increased Usability

This was only up for a moment, but for those of us who caught it it leaped off the screen. During question time it was brought up. How can you know XP is 17% more usable than Windows 98?! How do you measure such a thing?

The figure is so exact. Not 25%, or 10%, but exactly 17%.

There were no answers that day. It had the Aussie reps stumped too and everyone had a giggle, and since then I've often imagined two marketers working somewhere in Redmond, poring over facts and figures to include in the international press kit:

'Let's not forget to mention that it's easier to use.'

'Good idea! It is easier, isn't it.'

'How much easier though?'

'Well, easier than 98 for sure.'

'We can't say “Easier Than Windows 98”.'

'Well, how about we say it's twice as easy?'

'That sounds too much. How about “17% Increased Usability”?”

'Ooh, that sounds like Science!'

When Windows Vista came out I wondered what the Increase to Usability was. I have no idea, but from what I've been reading it looks like Microsoft's on the case for the next iteration of the Windows Behemoth.

Their recent patent application is all about being 'able to determine the effectiveness of a computer-user interface' by analysing 'electrical signals caused by electrical changes within the brain'.

You read that right. Microsoft is looking to hook up people to an EEG while they mess about with the next-gen Vista II Beta, to see which parts make them happy, which make them seethe with anger.

I'd hate to be part of this, but for the test-monkeys that do participate it at least means that the next time Microsoft tell me the new OS features 17% Increased Usability it'll be a fact that I can trust.

I just wonder where they're going to hide the bodies.