Dreams of whale vomit in my head

Why the hell when I go to the beach, I end up with sand around my nads, but these guys end up with a 14kg lump of whale vomit!


Why can't I find whale vomit?!? I like the beach. I like whales. I've vomited before. I want to be instantly rich too.

Things I love

The other night I got back home from a late-night beer-fueled meet-up with the lads that went slightly too long, and as I entered my room I realised I'd left the air-con running so instead of a steamy room I entered one with a glorious arctic chill.

I dropped my duds where I was and leapt into bed, slid under some cool, crisp and clean sheets, and was immediately transported back to my childhood. One of the great thrills in life is that second when you jump into bed and the cool sheet settles over you. In summer months or perpetual hot weather like we have in Singapore it's a moment of sheer bliss.

It got me thinking about the other small pleasures in life -- the little things that are just distilled awesome:

It's flipping over a pillow so you can put your head on the cold side.

It's the first mouthful of beer after eight hours of manual labour.


It's putting on a pair of pants/jacket/shorts that you haven't worn in a long time and finding $20 in a pocket.

It's the exact moment the credits roll on a good movie and you think to youself "Fuck me that was great!"

It's the mental pumping of a fist in the air when you go for a job interview and the pay's higher than you expected.

It's the moment that you're rocking along to a song with your headphones on and the world disappears.


It's discovering a new author and falling instantly in love with their wordcraft.

It's a degustation meal at Tetsuya's when each mouthful hits your tongue and dissolves.

It's opening a door to find a puppy or dog about to have a fit from the joy it cannot contain on the other side.


It's the moment you realise you're actually in love.

It's taking a risk and uprooting to move to a new country/city, and the joy that freedom brings.

It's running down the beach into the water and finding it's not as cold as you feared it would be.


It's laying on your back in the grass in the sun, without a worry or a care in the world.

It's sampling a new wine, and the flavours and richness burst through your mouth.

It's the exact moment you crest a steep hill you've laboured up, and see what's on the other side.


It's pausing when you're hiking or jungle trekking alone, and you let the stillness of nature descend around you.

It's finding a new song or passage of music that evokes incredble synaesthesia.

It's getting an unexpected gift that you've actualy desired.

It's leaping off a cliff over water, the instant before gravity claims you.


It's falling alseep, knowing you do not have to get up for anyone.

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny is, as the kids say these days, completely "awesome". Where can you find a song that's catchy, has a cool animation, and features Godzilla, Batman, Bill and Ted, Chuck Norris, Indiana Jones, Marty McFly, Shaquille, Gandalf, Lo Pan, the Terminator and heaps more icons having an all-in-brawl? On teh intarwebs, that's where.

But then in a cosmic ultimate showdown that only happens once in ... well never ... you stumble across a video of Tony Danza reading "Chuck Norris Facts" to Chuck Norris.

(the video quailty is absolutely dire, and the sound's out, but Tony Danza + Chuck Norris + Chuck Facts = something so awesome that not even ten cloned Jesus could equal)

The doctor is in the house.

I've been down a little recently with a bad case of acute hemorrhagic conjunctivitis (AHC) which means that the whites of my eyes are no longer white, but a deep, rich and bloody crimson red, and it's turned my visage into one that evokes more terror than it normally does. (Although I have been getting perverse enjoyment from the reactions on people's faces when I take off my sunglasses and they see my vampire/zombie eyes for the first time. Well, aside from the little Chinese boy in the McDonalds queue, who turned whiter than me.)

AHC for those of you who have not had the pleasure of being infected is an extremely painful condition, the joys of which include but are not limited to bleeding eyes, swelling, redness and pain. So here I am at work last night, beavering through a fugue state induced in equal parts migraine, frustration and the haze of being on anaesthetic eyedrops, painkillers, more painkillers and psuedoephedrine, when I finally decide enough is fucking enough and it's time to head home. This was at 1:30am.

So I flag down a taxi, jump in, and ask the driver to drop me at the hospital I live a short walk from, and off we go. I'm lolling around in the passenger seat delirious with exhaustion and painkillers, and the driver is quietly appraising me as only Chinese taxi drivers seem able.

After taking in my shambolic appearance, swollen red eyes, lolling posture and desire to be dropped off at a major hospital, he puts two-and-two together and comes up with three.

"Late night call, ah, Doctor? Emergency, issit?"

I'm surprised out of my dreamy reverie, and try to set him straight, "No, no, it's nothing like that."

"But they must need you badly to wake you up like this. What's your specialty?"

I haven't even mentally shrugged and thought, 'Oh fuck it' when I hear myself declaring "I'm a Doctor of Phrenology." Just like that. No thought. Words were spoken before my sleepy brain had even registered what was going on.

Obviously this gives the driver pause, "Phrenology?!?"

"Uh huh. I'm a Phrenologist," I sit up in the seat, "I don't get called out often, but when I do...hoooboy. " And then I whistle. Whoooweee.

He's impressed, but only it occurs to me he's impressed because he has no idea what phrenology is...but it sounds awfully scientific and important and to be roused at such an hour when I obviously need my sleep means something awful's going down in Tan Tock Seng Hospital if they're bringing in the Phrenologist.

He's ruminating on this as I pay the fare and get out of the taxi, and as I'm closing the door I lean down and look him in the eye.

"Nice skull."

Damn. The shit that comes out of my mouth.