I don’t know why I don’t get more dates.

Hey baby -- you’re looking awesome tonight. I’m really glad you could come. Here, let me get that chair for you…there you go. Gentlemanly? Please! I was just brought up right, with manners and the proper respect for woman.

Ok, so here we are. What a beautiful restaurant, and what a beautiful woman to be here with. Wow…even more so when you blush like that. No, no, don’t hide your face -- I like to see you.

So. Shall I order the wine or would you like to? You would, great. I’ll finish off my story while you peruse the list.

So there I was, about the 32^nd floor of Nakatomi Plaza, and without my-- Japan? Yes of course. Have you been? Oh you should, it’s a wonderful place -- great food, great culture. I love it. Where was I? Oh yes, so there I am, about two floors above the reception area of Nakatomi Plaza when terrorists break in and start shooting up the place.

Now most people would lose their cool in a situation like that, but not me. Wait -- try this aperitif, just a mouthful, here…isn’t that delightful?

No, I wasn’t scared at all. What worried me was that I didn’t have any shoes, and later they shot out all these windows and I had to run barefoot through the gla--. What do you mean you’ve heard this before? I’m pretty sure I haven’t told you this one. Alright, fine.

Did I tell you about time I was in San Francisco, and I had to recruit this old con who was supposedly the only person to escape from Alcatraz, and I needed him to break me in! See these terrorists had set up missiles there with biological payloads, and they were threatening the city.

Huh? You know this one? That makes no sense, I’m pretty sure I haven’t mentioned this one yet. Alright, you know what you haven’t seen? This is awesome. Check this out. It’s a bicep. Want to feel it? Go on. I don’t care who’s watching. Feel it. Come one. Yeah, that’s it! Like a rock, huh? Knew you’d like it. You’re impressed, I can tell.

So what was happening? Oh right, so there I am, coming out of the foyer lift of this company, and there’s like a full SWAT team running in, yelling drop this and drop that. Now, I only kill people who deserve it, and these are just guys doing their job, so I shoot them in the thighs. Thwap, thwap, thwap. Once they drop, I walk forward, letting bullets bounce off my huge frame and pick up this excellent tear-gas gun, and start firing all around -- at the squad cars outside, into a few guys inside.

The SWAT and the cops are all like, noooo run, and I’m all like haha, indeed!, but anyway I walk up through the mist of tear-gas an-- huh? Oh it hurt a little -- it probably would have killed a normal man but it just tickled my nose a bit -- so anyway up I go and rip gas masks off two SWAT members and they drop like stones. See, I needed the masks for Sarah and John who were holding their breath back in the lift, as they’re not strong like me.

What’s that? Cyberdyne Systems? Terminator 2? Never heard of them. I don’t watch movies.

So anyway, I get the masks back to them…alright, I can see you’re getting a little bored now, so they get the masks and then we drive off and everyone lives happily ever after. Geez, I didn’t even get to tell you about the tanker of liquid nitrogen or the lowering into molten iron.

I bloody well did get lowered into molten iron! Of course I survived, I’m here aren’t I? What?!? I’m being ridiculous?!? You’re being ridiculous! Yes, a man can surviv-- A man CAN survive being dropped into-- How? You want to know how? You want to KNOW HOW?

Lower my voice? I wasn’t shouting…you were.

A man can easily survive being lowered into molten iron because…sit down!...because IT'S A DRY HEAT!

And I did it, and I survived it, and if that makes me a hero to you then that’s ok, but you don’t have to call me a hero unless it gives you some form of comfort in these post-911 times.

Wait, where are you going? Aren’t you at least going to pay?